Snow White, Rose Red

Beware your actions, they form your character. I read that somewhere once. In some tiny book in the checkout line, or at the bottom of someone's email. I am weary of dissappointment and dissappointed at the wariness I long to release rather than increase. (words like these make me wonder of suffixes and origin and linkages of language - what is the vein-like connection of these words? does rhyme actually reveal heritage, a poem of history rather than coincidence?)

I want to tell him, "The next time you find me, I will be seated on a throne. Remember that I leave you now so that I may have some mercy left when you truly need it."

That is what I would say - chin slightly lifted, gaze unwavering - were the scenes in my head ever to occur. Always a dramatic exit, a reckoning. More probably, the explanation will be incoherent, or worse, there will be no attempt at explanation at all. And I would not get a chance to issue a regal dismissal. The dramatic moments I've forced always explode, I end up feeling silly. Unintentionally issuing ultimatums met with apparent indifference, and not mustering a persistent will to make them real. I feel no ultimatum now. Just a filmy disgust.

At worst he just doesn't care; at best his tender, reasonable places are scarred. The reasons could be surface scum, they could be fathomless currents; just being left to wonder, the mystery grows less intriguing, the effort more arduous, the reward transparent.

I'm not in a dark place though, I feel the stubborn sun - thankfully we have a little in common. And the balance shifts every day, the good side is winning. I am determined to foster and feed belief in the positive, to attract the beneficial energies. All transition is uncomfortable, the edges are being shaved off, the necessary bleeding.

Beware your inaction, it forms your character.